Shades of her soul
by aapril.14
Summary: Some are lucky to get a second chance in life. Ana is one of the lucky ones. Dealing with a scarred past, moving on with her life in Seattle. She meets a mystery man, a man who is just as scarred as she is. Aware that she is playing with fire just hoping not to get burned.
1. Chapter 1

I sit down and observance this place, the people.  
I've thought about this moment for so long, since I agreed to come here. I guess my family would have never allowed me to move to Seattle if I hadn't promised to show up monthly on these meetings.  
Even if the incident happened about two years ago, it was either this or finding a psychologist here in Seattle. I can't say I blame them but these two years have been so overwhelming that I would've done anything not to be living with my father.

I can sense that everyone here know each other well, it's like a big family – big self harming family. I've never been very social, I never liked the hype of many people coming together. I've always been the quite one, the one who writes her owns thoughts down instead of having the need to tell everyone about them.

There are about twenty people and me sitting in a circle – This is exactly how I imagen AA meetings. There is this one girl in charge who is telling everyone about these sessions and how thankful she is to be a part of something that can help other people finding them self's and finding happiness. I am seriously surprised that she haven't praised Jesus.

"I can see there are some new faces here today, I would like to personally welcome you to DSM- Seattle. I am Natalia and run DMS. For people who have never been in something like this before, you could think that this is all very strange and new. But trust me when I say this, look around you – the people in this room might save your life in the long run and I am a living example of that."

" We begin every meeting with a new face and a fresh story, so anyone who would like to share why they decided to come here today and why now?"  
She looked at me and added, "You are new, tell us about who you are and what brings you here and why now."

Wow she just gets right to the point. I wasn't much of a public speaker, my heart started beating faster and I hoped that people couldn't hear my heart screaming how uncomfortable I was.

" Hi I'm Ana. I've never done this before so I don't know what is expected of me here. I recently moved to Seattle – so that is the reason why I am here now, but I guess I had some problems down the road that I'm not comfortable sharing, at least not now.

But I would like to read something that I wrote when I felt really low and I guess when I started to feel that I could hurt myself for real. " I say to the group and began reading out of my notebook

" I've often thought about dying, not how but when I would die.

There is something about dying young that fascinates me.

That people I know could imagen who I would have been and where I would have ended up. I would be alive in their own fiction.

Dying young makes it possible to young forever.

I don't believe dying is hard compered to living.  
Waking up and knowing what is expected from you.

And doing it again, and again. That is hard.  
To be stuck in a vicious circle where there is no way out, makes the death always friendlier and friendlier.

The death doesn't scare me, maybe because he is my friend.

When everyone has had enough of me, even myself.  
He will take me close and make sure I will never me alone again. "

I finish reading my last sentence and I could feel my heart slowly calm down.  
I looked up and I met the greyest eyes I've ever seen in my life. They were so raw, like the eyes of someone with no soul. Like an animal, a predator.

And without understanding why, I got butterflies in my stomach.

The meeting went by quickly, I was lost in his eyes. I haven't given the person who those lifeless eyes belonged too many thoughts, because there was nothing to see. He was wearing a black hoody with a cap underneath. Like he was hiding or uncomfortable being here.

And when Natalia called the meeting over, he was out of here within a minute.


	2. Chapter 2

\- Should I get us some dinner? A

I sent my roommate message, Kate while I was walking in my car after the meeting.

Kate is my soul mate, she has always been there for me and I for her.  
We are like black and white, but together we found the perfect balance, the colour grey.  
She is beautiful, smart and ambitious. She says what she thinks, the perfect strong woman who is always sure of her self. That kind of woman that only real man could handle, not the boyish type that can't handle a woman with her own opinions. Because believe me she is the type of woman who will run her own company or be a bestselling author. Either way, she will be amazing in everything she is set out to do.

While me on the other hand, well.. It is not that I'm not smart or not beautiful.  
I just don't have that confident like Kate, and I guess that's okay. I've always liked to be the quiet one, the one everyone thinks of as a mystery or a book they will never get to read.  
Because in general I don't like people all that much, which is weird. I know that but, people are so complex, so chatty, so curious. I guess I choose wisely who I let in.  
Having Kate as my soul mate is everything. We are a total antipode but we balance each other out, she introduced me to places and people I would have never known, and I do the same for her.

Kate: No way! We are not eating in, I'm taking you out. – Your proud friend

I was so not in the mood for a night out, but I guess Kate was right. A night out with food and wine was something I needed.

Ana: I wont argue with that. I'm coming home, see you in five.

"How was it?" Kate asked while I was still walking trough the door

"Surprizing, I didn't expect people to be so open about their problems. But I guess that's the reason they were there. I'm just not used to being in a group filled with people who all want to talk about their feelings, this is really anti-Ana. I seriously think this is good for me though. " I answer her.

"Yes I agree with you, I think this is so good for my dark Ana" she said teasingly  
"But I'm so proud of you! Look at you now, how far you've come. You must be proud of you, even if you wont admit it" She added and walked to her room

She was right, ofcourse I was proud of myself. Even the little victories counted, I knew that. But the shame of it all was still there.

Kate got us a table at the restaurant we ate our first night in Seattle, very high profile restaurant. We gave each other that night as a graduation present, because we had skipped gifts on graduation and we were moving the next day. We wouldn't have been able to get a table if Kate father hadn't pulled some strings.

"You are kidding me, we paid like 300 dollars each the last time we were here" I said while she was parking the car

" I know! But daddy said that he would take care of the check. We can eat as much as we want, and drink as much as we want." She said

"Weeelll he didn't say drink as much as we want, but I'm my fathers daughter. So he can't expect any less of me" she added and laughed

And Kate wasn't kidding, she ordered everything she wanted. From sushi, to deep fried avocado and the cocktails kept flowing.

"So are you excited about your new job, when you graduated did you think that this job would be something you would do?" Kate asked

\- I studied English literature , so writing for the Seattle Finance Post isn't even near my major. But, I know I want to write and your first job is never your dream job, so I guess I'm fine with it…. For now" I answered while I scanned the room.

The room was red, velvet red, and the tables were black, the room was like it was cut out of a fifties movie. Elegant and warm. The restaurant was filled with people, who looked like they were cut out of a magazine. The high fashion kind, everyone was so fashionable and over dressed. This one girl caught my attention, she had a short blonde hair, and she was laughing, so hard. It was hard for you not to notice her, being that pretty and happy. And with a bag that would sum up my two months rent.

"I need to go to the bathroom" I said to Kate while I stood up

The restroom was even amazing, what a lifestyle being able to visit places like this for your own money. Kate is really lucky, she is a hardworking girl. But if she would ask her dad for anything, he would give her the world and everything in it.

"Are you ok miss?" a mans voice asked

This is so embarrassing, getting lost in a restaurant while getting out of the restroom.

"Yes, sorry. Had little too much to drink, got lost" I said awkwardly while I looked up. My heart stopped. These eyes, I would recognize them anywhere. Raw, cold and grey. And just like the last time I looked into them. I got butterflies in my stomach. But this time was different, I could see the man who they belonged to.  
Tall, dark hair and a suit, - if his eyes hadn't had this effect on me I wouldn't think I would recognize him. But I wouldn't deny, he was very good looking.

"Should I follow you to your seat miss?"  
"Ana" I answered without hesitation "No need, I think I can managed" I added and stormed away from him

Why did I do that, I have no idea. I saw Kate and noticed that she had company.

I walked to our table.

"Kate?" I asked like I wasn't quite pleased with these party crashers.

"Hey Ana, this is Mia and Karen. Mia and her brothers own this restaurant, they are going to a club down town, and have invited us with them"

Mia was the girl I noticed before, ofcourse she owns the restaurant.

This wasn't a question, Kate had already decided that we were going clubbing, then clubbing it was.

"Yes we would love for you to come, my brothers will ride with us to the club. Kate is amazing and if you two are best friends, then you must be too!" said Mia

" I hope I don't disappoint" I said and smiled awkwardly

"I bet you wont" said I voice behind me  
"Christian! There you are, Ana, Kate this is one of my brothers. He is actually my favourite, don't tell Elliott" Mia said laughing

I knew it was him. Ofcourse it was him. I could feel his presents, his smell, I dared to look behind me, get a glimpse of his grey eyes.

I had never felt like someone saw me like him. Like these soulless eyes really saw me.

"I have to get some fresh air" I said in a rush, while I stormed out  
"Yes, great idea, we will follow you. The car is waiting" I heard Mia say in a distance

I walked out and felt the wind go trough me and a breathed hard.

You don't need this crazy, you don't know him. I said to myself, while I breathed even harder.  
This has trouble written all over it, and you know it Ana. I whispered

"Are you okay?" He said

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" I said harsh

"No I don't know. You just rushed out here, and I was genially just trying to be nice. But my mistake, you don't seem very nice. "

"I don't seem nice?" I asked with admiration, who was this guy?

He answered  
"No, you seem lonely in your own thoughts. Maybe broken or maybe just sad.  
But I will not deny, I wouldn't mind having you alive in my own fiction, the things I would do to you, miss Anastasia Steele, you wouldn't survive."

Then he left. My face dropped, "alive in his fiction". I thought about my poet that I rode in the meeting - "That people I know could imagen who I would have been and where I would have ended up. I would be alive in their own fiction. "

He knew who I was the minute he saw me tonight, that was a fact. But why did he knew my name was a mystery.

"Where is Christian?" Mia asked when she came out

" He left" I said stuttering

"Well no surprise there, he isn't quite outgoing"

The car came and we got in. The night was young but I wasn't nearly excited as the others. Not only were his eyes stuck in my thoughts but now his words resounded in my mind.


End file.
